Welcome to my Jokes and bad humor Section
Lets just say many of these arrived in my e-mail and may not be appropriate for all readers. Remember I just collected these jokes and I don't know the origin of any of them. The collection is quite large so I've split the bulk into seven pages which you can jump to easily by clicking below.
Remember all those e-mail jokes we used to read before starting to get 500 spam messages for viagra everyday? well I kept quite a few of them and present them here for all to read and enjoy!
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. The results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their ass is too big.
10% of women think their ass is too little.
The other 5% say that they don't care - they love him and would have married him anyway.humor humour jokes
The best stories are the true ones. If you've ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this cop. A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went like this:
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. “Well, it was like this” started the man, “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows moving it’s tail wildly. It appeared to have something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball, lodged right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.” “What did you do?” asked the doctor. “Well,” returned the damaged duffer, “I lifted the tail and I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”
A young girl’s parents had paid a visit to the home of a neighbor one evening. The following morning, the neighbor answered the doorbell only to find the couple’s daughter standing curiously on the porch. Concluding instantly that she had come to retrieve something her parents must have forgotten the previous evening, the woman invited her in. “Please, Mrs. Johnston.” asked the girl, “May I look at your living room rug?” The bemused woman ushered the girl into the living room. She stared at the rug for several minutes before turning to her host and declaring, “Well, It doesn’t make me sick.”
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Neither could easily see over the dashboard. They cruised along until they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they rolled right through. The woman in the passenger seat thought, “I must be losing my mind. I swear we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes they came to another intersection where again, the light was red, and again they bombed right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost positive that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she would hurt her friend’s feelings if mistaken. Nervously, she decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to confirm what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to her friend and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!” Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, am I driving?”
A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He showed her how to start the chopper, gave her the basics and watched her lift off. After she had climbed 1000 feet, she blurted through the radio, “I’m doing great! I’m starting to get the hang of it. I love it! It’s so beautiful up here.” At 2000 feet, she checked in again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor began to worry as he watched her climb beyond 3000 feet without contacting him. Seconds later, he watched in horror as the helicopter dropped like a rock about half a mile away. He ran to the crash site where he was able to pull her, still alive, from the wreckage. “What happened?” he asked. “I don’t know!” she answered weakly. “Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I started to get cold.“Cold huh?” he responded, trying to understand, “Then what happened?” “I just don’t know,” she continued, “I can’t remember anything after I turned off the big fan.”
A nun, walking in the convent, encountered the local priest, who asked her if she wasn’t getting heavier, “Gaining a little weight are we Sister Susan?” he blustered. “No, Father. It’s just a little gas.” Sister Susan explained. A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. “Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?” he asked again. “Oh no, Father. To be sure it’s just a little gas.” she replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He looked into the carriage, winked and said, “Cute little fart.”
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. His startled attempt to shoot the bear missed the target. He turned and started to run as fast as he could. Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and pleaded, “My God! Please let this bear feel the spirit of the Lord!” A lightning bolt instantly split the sky, and the bear halted just short of the hunter. The bear looked dumbfounded for a moment, and then looked up into the heavens praying, “God! Thank you for the food I am about to receive...”
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened it up further. The needle hit 90, then 100. Soon the reality of the situation hit him. “What on Earth am I doing?” he thought and pulling over in a cold sweat. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go with a warning.” The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. And uh…I was afraid it was you trying to bring her back!” “Have a nice weekend.” said the officer.
A honeymoon couple lay in bed ready to consummate their marriage. The new bride confided to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin. But I’ve only been with one guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” He asked, putting on a brave face. “Tiger Woods.” She replied meekly. “Tiger Woods the golfer?” he asked incredulously. “Yeah.” she confirmed quietly. “Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can understand why you might want to be with him.” He reassured her once more. The newlyweds then made passionate love. Afterwards the husband once again decided to use the phone. “What are you doing?” asked the wife. “I’m hungry,” said the husband, “I’m going to call room service for a snack.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” She scolded coyly. “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” he responded dryly. “He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.” she teased. The husband put down the phone, leapt into bed and made love to his wife a second time. Again when finished, he rose and began to dial the phone. “What are you doing?” she asked again. “I’m still hungry,” complained the husband, “so I was going to get room service to bring up some food.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” She teased. “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do now?” he asked “He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.” This time he slammed down the phone and jumped back into bed and roughly made love to his wife one more time.Afterwards he was tired and beat. He dragged himself over to the phone and started to dial. His bride, who was becoming ‘a might peckish’ asked, “Are you calling room service?” “No! I’m calling Tiger Woods! I have to find out what the par is for this damn hole.”
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to suggest these techniques at home.” “Why not?” asked a voice from the audience. “I watched my wife Anna-Belle’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I said, ‘Hon, why don’t you try to carry several things at once?’” “Did it save time?” the person in the audience asked. “Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I have to do it in seven.”
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to my mother and said, “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?” Granny chuckled and replied, “I remember.”
A gorgeous and voluptuous woman visited her gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, “Do you…know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “That’s right.” Agreed the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m uh…doing now?” he asked. “Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps of breast cancer.” “Correct.” replied the randy doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and slid his manhood into her. Breathlessly he asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?” “Yes,” she said flatly “you’re becoming infected with herpes, which is why I came to see you in the first place.”
Young King Arthur was imprisoned in a nearby kingdom. The evil monarch offered him his freedom only if he could answer an impossible question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer. If after a year, he failed, he would be assassinated. The question was ‘What do women really want?’ Since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition and returned to his kingdom where he asked everybody, princesses, prostitutes, priests, wise men, even the court jester. No one could give him a satisfactory answer. Most told him to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer, though that would be costly. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had to go to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, only if she could marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. The old witch was hunchbacked and hideous with one tooth, made obscene noises and had breath like sewer gas. Gawain volunteered immediately, proclaiming no deed too big of a sacrifice to save Arthur’s life and preserve the honor of the Round Table. Hence the wedding was announced and the witch answered the question: ‘To be in charge of her own life.’ Everyone instantly knew that the witch spoke true and that Arthur’s life would be spared. Indeed the neighbouring monarch spared Arthur’s life and pledged his allegiance. Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, eating with her hands, belching, farting, and being rude. The evening approached. Gawain readied himself for a horrific night then entered the bedroom where the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen lay before him! Her ruby lips parted to explain that since he had been so kind to her as a witch, now half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, while the other half would show her beautiful maiden self. Then she asked which he would want her to be during the day and which at night? Gawain considered his options. During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, at night, a vile, smelly witch. Or would he prefer a hideous witch by day and by night a beautiful woman to warm his bed? Noble Gawain then announced that she could choose for herself. On hearing this, she proclaimed that she would now always remain beautiful because he had respected her and let her be in charge of her own life. What is the moral of this story?
He laid her on the table. So white and clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat. He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast. And then drooling felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, he gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide...he looked inside. All was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands, then stretched his arms...and began to stuff the turkey.
Steps to wash the Cat.
A French man was seated in an outdoor café having a petit dejeuner of coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam when an American tourist, voraciously chewing gum, plunked down next to him. The Frenchman ignored the American who, nevertheless, began a conversation, “You French folk eat the whole bread?” he inquired. The Frenchman in a surly mood muttered, “But of course.” The Yank blew and snapped a huge, wet bubble, “We don’t. You see, in America, we only eat the inside. We collect the crusts in a container, recycle it, make croissants and sell them to you boys here in France.” A smirk was plastered across the American’s face. The Frenchman didn’t react so the American continued, “D’ya eat jelly with yer bread?” The Frenchman answered back drilling the words between his teeth, “Of course we do. Don’t be ridiculous!” The American couldn’t hold back his chuckles, “We don’t. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to you boys here in France.” This he said as he peeled a messy, deflated bubble off the stubble on his chin. “Well then,” asked the Frenchman, “what do you do with your condoms once you’ve used them?” The American grinned widely, “Condoms? We throw them away, of course.” The Frenchman sipped his coffee then spoke evenly, “Well don’t you know. In France, we recycle them, compress them, turn them into chewing gum and sell it to you boys in America!”
A young couple returned from their honeymoon. The bride immediately called her mother who asked, “How was the honeymoon?” “Oh, mama,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...” Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!” “Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?” “Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter, I’m so embarrassed they’re just too awful! Come get me, please!” “Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!” Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, COOK and IRON!”
An attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. Alluringly, she gestures to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she signals seductively that he should bring his face close to hers. As he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. “Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no.” he replies. “Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him.” she purrs, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. “I’m afraid not.” breathes the bartender, clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?” “Yes there is. I need you to give him a message.” she continues alluringly, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “Tell him there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”
What is a Cat?
What is a Dog?
A Mom and Dad decided they needed to use ‘a code’ to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word ‘typewriter.’ One day the Dad told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.” The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now because there’s a red ribbon in the typewriter.” The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.” The child delivered the message to her father but returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”
A happy old married couple had lived together for nearly forty years. The husband had the bad habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise always woke up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp. She would plead with him to stop ripping them so aggressively and begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn’t hear of it. He insisted it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him there was nothing natural about it and if he didn’t stop, one day he would “fart his guts right out.” The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about “farting his guts right out” until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey’s innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband’s problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and crept upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would wake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband’s jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband’s underwear, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his usual loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood-curdling scream. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey, I should have listened to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “You always said,” the man explained, “ that I would fart my guts right out and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got ‘em all back in!”
This has got to be the all-time classic comeback. This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop to visit his military installation
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a nearby grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why oh why did you have to die? Why oh why did you have to die?” The first man approached him and sensitively inquired, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your child? A parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself then answered matter-of-factly, “My wife’s first husband.”
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving toward him down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells “PIG!” The man immediately leans out of his window and shouts back, “WITCH!” They each continue on their way, the man rounding the next corner only to veer wildly so as to avoid a pig in the middle of the road. He crashes through a barrier and plunges to his death hundreds of feet below. If only men would listen.
The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombshell on me. “Irving,” he said, “Becky and I are going to get a divorce.” I was stunned. “Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together.” “Well,” he said, “ever since we got married, she’s tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, and partying at all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, how to invest in the stock market and more.” “You’re bitter” I guessed, “because she spent so much time trying to change you, and now you’re divorcing her?” “Nah, I’m not bitter. It’s just that now that I’m so improved, well, she just isn’t good enough for me.”
Ad found in Canberra Times - personal column WANTED
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The neighbors, who feared the man the most, heard a constant statement, “When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!” They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and for making strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and he enjoyed the respect it brought him. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The nature of her actions had become extreme. Her neighbors approached as a group to ask, “Are you not afraid of this man who practiced black magic and vowed that when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to return and haunt you for the rest of your life?” The wife slammed down her drink and shouted, “Let the old fart dig. I had him buried upside down.”
Ask any man, and he will tell you that he believes that any woman’s ultimate fantasy would be to enjoy two men at once. A recent sociological study confirmed exactly what men had suspected, with the twist being however, that in this common fantasy for women, one man is cooking while the other man is cleaning.
Why do women fake orgasms?
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